Hi Friends,
If you’ve followed me for any length of time, what I’m about to say may surprise you.
It certainly surprised me.
On Tuesday, I had an appointment with my gastroenterologist at Cedars-Sinai, and he was thrilled.
Not cautiously optimistic.
Not “let’s wait and see.”
Thrilled.
In all the years I’ve been seeing GI doctors, that’s not a word I’ve ever heard.
Why?
Because after decades of digestive problems, many of the symptoms that have affected me for most of my life have completely disappeared.
The bloating is gone.
The IBS symptoms are gone.
And perhaps most remarkably, I now have normal bowel movements every single day without medications, laxatives, magnesium, prune juice, fiber supplements, or any other digestive aids whatsoever.
For those familiar with the Bristol Stool Scale, I’m a solid Type 4.
If you know, you know.🤣
And if you don’t know, let’s just say this is the digestive equivalent of getting a perfect score on an exam.
For someone who has struggled with digestive issues since early childhood, this is nothing short of miraculous.
For decades, normal digestion felt like something other people got to have.
I’ve had stomach problems for as long as I can remember.
I was the kid who got sick on car rides and threw up.
The kid who always had a stomach ache.
The kid whose digestive system always seemed to be protesting something.
As an adult, I dealt with chronic bloating, IBS, constipation, diarrhea, discomfort, and an endless parade of digestive drama.
Over the years, I tried countless approaches, medications, supplements, tests, and strategies.
Yet the greatest improvement happened only recently.
And here’s the surprising part.
It didn’t happen when I became more strict.
It happened when I became less strict.
For years I was trying to be the perfect eater.
Not just vegan.
Perfect.
No sugar.
No oil.
No salt.
No exceptions.
No flexibility.
No gray areas.
I wasn’t merely following dietary guidelines.
I was trying to achieve dietary perfection.
If there had been an Olympic event for food rule compliance, I would have won the gold medal.
What started as a healthy way of eating eventually became a source of anxiety for me.
Looking back, I can see that I gradually became more focused on food rules than on how I actually felt. I wasn’t just eating food anymore. I was constantly evaluating it, analyzing it, and worrying about whether it was “good enough.” What began as a sincere effort to improve my health slowly became another source of stress.
And I understand why.
I was terrified.
Terrified of gaining weight.
Terrified of making mistakes.
Terrified that if I loosened my grip for even a moment, everything would fall apart.
So I held on tighter.
And tighter.
And tighter.
But what I never considered was this:
What if the stress of trying to eat perfectly was contributing to the very symptoms I was trying to eliminate?
What if food fear was creating its own problems?
What if constantly analyzing every bite, every ingredient, every meal was contributing to my anxiety and keeping my body in a chronic state of stress?
The gut and brain are deeply connected.
We know that now.
And when I look back honestly, I realize I spent years worrying about food.
Thinking about food.
Managing food.
Avoiding food.
Analyzing food.
Judging food.
And judging myself.
Eventually I began letting go.
Not of my values.
Not of my commitment to being vegan.
Not of my love for healthy food.
I let go of food fear.
I let go of food perfectionism.
And I discovered something I never expected.
My health didn’t fall apart.
It improved.
In fact, the very things I feared would happen never did.
I didn’t lose control.
I didn’t suddenly start bingeing.
I didn’t gain a bunch of weight.
Instead, I felt calmer, freer, and physically better.
Ironically, I may have spent less time thinking about food in the last few months than at any point in my adult life.
I also stopped forcing myself to eat enormous volumes of food to make sure I had every micronutrient covered!
This may be controversial, but it’s my truth.
For years I was eating huge quantities of fruits and vegetables because I believed that’s what I needed to do to be optimally healthy.
Many people thrive eating that way.
I did not.
I no longer force down mountains of produce because someone says I should.
I no longer feel obligated to eat giant bowls of vegetables when my body is signaling that I’ve had enough.
I still eat fruits and vegetables every day.
I still eat mostly whole plant foods.
But I eat in a way that feels natural and sustainable for me.
I listen to my body more than I listen to “the experts” and their strict food rules.
And my digestive system seems grateful for that decision.
Another irony is that as someone who is now actually underweight, I discovered something else.
What surprised me was realizing how difficult it was for me to gain any weight eating an extremely low-calorie-density SOS-free diet.
For years I was terrified that relaxing my rules would cause me to gain weight.
Instead, I found myself struggling to gain it.
Life has a funny way of humbling us.
Apparently I spent years worrying about a problem that never showed up.
The thing I feared most never happened.
The thing I never expected did.
I actually became healthier. And felt better than I have in years.
Please understand that I’m not telling anyone else what to eat.
I’m not suggesting that my experience will be your experience.
I’m not saying that fruits and vegetables are bad.
They’re wonderful.
I’m not saying that fiber is bad.
It’s essential.
I’m simply sharing what happened to me.
After decades of digestive distress, I finally feel normal.
That may sound like a small thing.
But when you’ve spent a lifetime dealing with bloating, IBS, constipation, diarrhea, and unpredictable digestion, normal feels extraordinary.
One of the greatest lessons cancer has taught me is that life is too short to spend it chasing perfection.
Perfection is exhausting.
Perfection is stressful.
Perfection is often an illusion.
What I’ve found instead is freedom.
Freedom from food fear.
Freedom from food perfectionism.
Freedom from believing that every bite has the power to make or break my health.
Freedom from believing that one, or even several, imperfect choices will destroy my health.
And perhaps most importantly, freedom to trust my body.
And in doing so, my digestive system has finally calmed down.
My doctor is happy.
For the first time in a very long time, my gut is happy.
And so am I.
And honestly?
Life is better with Vegan Vanilla Soft Serve from Chef Tanya’s Kitchen. 😄
Love & Loosening Up,
(Everything But My Poops 💩),
Chef AJ
🦴🐾🐶 From the Puppy Files 🐶🐾🦴
What you may not know about me is that I’m somewhat of an art aficionado. Paintings by my favorite artist Leonid Afremov cover most of my walls, but my all-time favorite painting, which I’ve had for over 30 years is Andrew Wyeth’s “Master Bedroom.” It’s one of his most beloved watercolors and shows his Labrador retriever, Rattler, peacefully asleep on a neatly made bed in Wyeth’s own bedroom. The room is very simple—just the bed, a window, soft light, and the dog.
What makes it special is that almost nothing dramatic is happening. Wyeth was famous for finding beauty and emotion in ordinary moments.
This is something cancer is trying to teach me daily.
I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that life imitates art.
Here are some images from our bedroom that bring me the same peace.
