Hi Friends,
I was 5 years old when my very first dog, a Beagle named Snoopy, came into my life. I’ve since been the human guardian to many dogs with equally unoriginal names: Lucky, Scooby, Ginger, Sparky, Bailey – and now Shiloh and Trixie.
I loved Snoopy with all my heart. I remember how soft his ears were and how we’d celebrate his birthday at the dining room table as a family with a special cake. I loved to curl up with him when he was sleeping. I would tell him all my secrets, and he never breathed a word. He was my best friend.
To this day, many of my best friends have been dogs. They can fill a hole in your heart that you never knew was empty. They provide hours of free entertainment on the same level of hilarity as Peter Sellers’ brilliant portrayal of Inspector Clouseau. And they are truly some of our best teachers.
We love to buy Shiloh and Trixie plush toys. Their favorite is Lambchop, which comes in a variety of sizes, yet they can have just as much fun playing tug-of-war with 2 old Costco socks tied together.
Which proves that fun isn’t just about what you have, but about who you share what you have with. (And apparently Costco socks are the canine equivalent of a season pass to Disneyland.)
They love tugging tirelessly on the socks and apparently they can do this all day long. Recently, while watching a particularly long tugging session, it occurred to me that neither dog was “winning.”
And they were both getting exhausted in the process.
It reminded me of one of my favorite I Love Lucy episodes, “Never Do Business with Friends,” where the Mertzes buy the Ricardos’ washing machine. After it breaks down, Ethel wants a refund and is vigorously pushing the machine on the balcony toward Lucy’s apartment, while Lucy is pushing the washer with equal tenacity toward Ethel’s apartment.
[You can watch “Never Do Business with Friends” FREE on Pluto TV – it’s Episode 31 of Season 2.]
Mrs. Trumbull, their neighbor, is watching the struggle and asks them what they are doing.
Ethel says, “I am giving Mrs. Ricardo back her washing machine.”
To which Lucy exclaims, “I am giving Mrs. Mertz back her washing machine.”
Then comes one of the funniest lines in I Love Lucy history when Mrs. Trumbull makes a very astute observation:
“Well, if you don’t mind me saying so, you’re doing it the hard way.”
I started wondering: What if, in many ways, we’re all doing it the hard way?
In the last four years, I’ve talked to more people with cancer than I’ve eaten sweet potatoes—and if you know me, you know that is saying something!
Many say they are fighting cancer or battling cancer. Institutions are waging war against cancer. If that imagery and vernacular work for you, keep using them.
But as I watched Shiloh and Trixie during a particularly long tug session, I noticed that nobody really wins and everyone becomes exhausted. And the only way for either of them to “win” is for one of them to let go.
I don’t think surrendering is the same as giving up.
Because once they stopped tugging, they were still able to enjoy playing with the sock by chewing the knots together—without all the Sturm und Drang.
I am tired. Very, very, very tired.
The stress and myriad side effects from the cancer treatment and uncertainty of the last four years have taken an enormous toll on my body. And living in a constant state of fear and uncertainty hasn’t contributed to my healing.
I now have anemia and iron deficiency, which make me even more tired, and an undiagnosed lump on my neck that is quite painful.
But I keep living my life as best I can.
I am trying to think of the cancer as an extra—a bit player in the movie of my life. It can be there quietly in the background without getting a starring role or even a screen credit. And it definitely doesn’t get top billing. That spot is already taken.
I recently went to the Palm Springs VillageFest, which takes place every Thursday night. They close off the main thoroughfare and people enjoy the food, music, and vendors. It’s a real party atmosphere.
In one of the booths there was an Orthodox rabbi with a long white beard. The sign above his head read, “Ask a Rabbi.”
I felt drawn to speak to him and thought hard about what question I should ask.
“Why did God give me cancer?”
“Why won’t God heal me?”
But even if he knew the answers, would they truly have given me peace?
Maybe I’ve been asking the wrong questions.
Maybe Y should be relegated to being just the 25th letter of the alphabet.
Instead, I simply asked the rabbi, “Could you please give me a blessing—a refuah shlemah?”
Refuah shlemah (רפואה שלמה) is a Hebrew phrase meaning “a complete healing” or “a full recovery.”
After the blessing, we started talking, and it turned out his daughter is also a rabbi who visited me twice while I was in the hospital—though I don’t remember her because I was heavily sedated. 😂
He also told me about a friend of his who was diagnosed with the same type of cancer as me at the age of 41, but at Stage 4, and she is still alive nearly 20 years later.
Lisa will be on the show on October 2.
Maybe the lesson isn’t that I need to stop hoping, stop seeking answers, or stop doing everything I reasonably can to heal.
Maybe the lesson is that I don’t have to pull on the rope every minute of every day.
I can still go to my appointments. I can still ask questions. I can still make decisions. I can still hope for healing.
But I don’t have to spend every waking moment trying to drag cancer back across some imaginary line in the sand.
Shiloh and Trixie taught me that you can put down the rope without giving up the game.
And Mrs. Trumbull reminded me that sometimes we really are just doing it the hard way.
And when putting down the rope is easier said than done, I have another tool in my toolbox: Queen.
“Don’t Stop Me Now” is my favorite Queen song, and I listen to it whenever I’m feeling down. I dare you to be depressed while listening to it. Seriously. Put it on, turn it up, and see if you can remain miserable. Freddie Mercury makes it extremely difficult. 😂
Sometimes loosening your grip doesn’t require an epiphany, a rabbi, or even a dog.
Sometimes it just requires Freddie Mercury.
[Listen to Queen’s “Don’t Stop Me Now” here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHi9mKq0slA&list=RDMHi9mKq0slA&start_radio=1]
So, for now, I’m putting down the rope.
Love & Loosening My Grip,
Chef AJ
Quick Health Update
The results of my recent CT scan are inconclusive due to the increasing amount of atelectasis (collapsed lung).
Dr. Thomas believes I am stable and there has been no progression of the disease—perhaps even some improvement—but he needs to confirm this with a PET scan that I will be getting on October 2.
I am starting iron infusions for my worsening anemia next Wednesday and getting biopsies of my thyroid nodules as soon as they schedule me.
🐶🐾🦴 From the Puppy Files 🦴🐾🐶
This week’s PUPdates
As I mentioned, I am literally dog-tired, so I have been resting a lot with the pups. Sometimes in my bed (where it’s hard to tell where one starts and one ends. 😂
Sometimes I snuggle with them in their crate:
My dear friend Julie (who hand beaded my entire Elvis costume in Las Vegas) made me these amazing earrings from a photo of Shiloh and Trixie.
If you’d like to order a custom pair of earrings or a necklace that will be an exact replica of your pet you can find her here: https://www.instagram.com/daymoonone/
My Latest Piece of Fused Glass Art
This little dish is perfect for holding your Cinnamon Vanilla Bliss Balls from Sweet Indulgence which they served in Las Vegas. The yellow is the bottom which is hard to see in this photo.
